Winner of The World's Funniest Joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the recent Southern California fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level. So he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need some close-up shots."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring rain. "I need a push. Would you kindly help me? " asked the drunk, weaving back and forth. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning." "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" said the wife. The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. "Hello! Are you still there?", calls the husband. into the darkness. "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
A man appears before St.. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him in the mouth, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him to leave her alone now or he'd have to answer to me."
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago."
A guy goes to his pastor and says, "Pastor, I think my wife is trying to poison me." The pastor says, "Let me talk to her." He comes back three hours later and says, "I talked to your wife for three hours. Take the poison."