BARNABY'S FAVORITE JOKES

IT'S ALL PART OF THE ACT! DVD

HOW TO KILL A HECKLER eBOOK

BARNABY TUNES

Lyrics

TESTIMONIALS AND REVIEWS

BOOKING AND AVAILABILITY

YOUTUBE VIDEOS

LINKS

PICTURES

A Cubs Fanís Lament © Daniel Jeffery 2003

Well there are Cub fans all around the earth
And we'll stay Cub fans for what it's worth
We always say, ďWell, hey, next year
Will be a brand new start.Ē
And then the Cubbies they break your freakiní heart
Hey Cubbies you break our freakiní heart

Ain't got no pennant since 1945
You haven't won it since I've been alive
You raise our hopes, you come so close
And then you fall apart
Hey Cubbies you break our freakiní heart
Hey Cubbies you break our freakiní heart

Weíve been with you through all the pain and tears
Even my grandpa for over ninety years
In 2003 his EKG
Went completely off the chart
Hey Cubbies, you broke my grandpa's freakiní heart
Hey Cubbies you broke my grandpa's freakiní heart
You happy Cubbies? You broke my grandpa's freakiní heart
You happy Cubbies? You broke my grandpa's freakiní heart

Standing in Line - © Dan Jeffery, Den and Bobbie West

Standing in line, I'm standing in line  
Standing in line, I'm standing in line
I'm standing in line, standing in line
Standing in line, I'm standing in line 
Standing in line, I'm standing in line
I'm standing in line (the words just came to me)

Standing in line when I go to the store
Standing in line gets to be such a bore
I'm standing in line at the checkout counter
I go to the store to get a six pack of beer
The guy in front of me is stocking up for the year
And I'm standing in line, just standing in line


Standing in line when I go to the bank
Standing in line with my mind just a blank
Just standing in line twiddling my thumbs
I go to the bank to cash a check and go home
The guy in front of me is taking out a loan
And I'm standing in line, just standing in line

Standing in line when I go out to eat
Standing in line just to get me a seat
Just standing in line everywhere I go
There were eight folks in front of me in line
I just turned around and now there are nine (how'd that happen?)
Standing in line, just standing in line


Standing in line just humming along
Standing in line it just seems to be wrong
Just standing line feeling tired and cranky
I've been standing in line so long
That's how I wrote this song
Standing in line, just standing in line


Been standing in line most of my life
I stood in line just to date my wife
Just standing in line getting older and older
God willing if I get to heaven I swear
St. Peter will look at me and say "Go stand over there,"
And I'll be standing in line, just standing in line


I've Got Everything - © Dan Jeffery

I've got everything man, I've got everything,
I've got allergies in spring, man, my elbow has a ding man
Of ailments I can sing, man, I've got everything

I've got a backache, earache, headache, constipation
Heart ache, stomache ache, toothache, inflamation
Asian flu, bird flu, Russian flu, sore knee
Neurosis, psychosis,  halitosis, ED
Appendicitis, hepatitis, sinusistis, gingivitis,
Tonsilitis, tendonitis, bursitis, arthritis


Chorus


I've got, bronchitis, dermititis, meningitis, sore hand
Insomnia, dyslexia, hemmoroids, swollen gland
Dandruff, smoker's cough, reflux, nausea
Runny nose, stubbed toes, shingles, diarhhea
Neck pain, muscle strain, palsy, scurvy,
Nosebleed, cold sore, vitamin defficiency


Chorus


Iím In Love With Ann Coulter © Daniel Jeffery


Iím in love with Ann Coulter
Iím attracted to a woman whoís mean
Iím in love with Ann Coulter
She exudes something really obscene
Sheís brassy and sassy and quick with a quip
I bet sheís especially good with a whip
Oh, Iím in love with Ann Coulter
Sheís my fantasy girl


Iím in love with Ann Coulter
Iím engrossed by a girl who can fight
Iím in love with Ann Coulter
I like that she slants to the right
Sheís malicious, pernicious, seditious and more 
But I like a girl whoís a media whore
Oh, Iím in love with Ann Coulter
Sheís my fantasy girl


I can see her in leather; I can see her in chains
Oh, God, I canít tell you what Iíd do to her brains
Iíd fly in like Superman dressed in my cape
Bill OíReilly could get it on tape


Iím in love with Ann Coulter
Sheís pretty and witty and free
Iím in love with Ann Coulter
OK, Iíll take two out of three
Sheís lanky and skanky, at times immature
Sheís sleazy and nasty, thatís what I prefer
Oh, Iím in love with Ann Coulter
Sheís my fantasy girl


Iím Your Juggleman (tune of Hoochie Coochie Man)


Gypsy woman told my mama the future is planned
You got a boy child cominí, heíll be a juggleman                                                    
Gonna make pretty women jump and shout
Gonna show the world yeah what jugglingís all about
ĎCause I am, everybody knows I am
Iím your juggle man, oh yeah, everybody knows I am


Gonna juggle in your kitchen, gonna juggle in your halls
Gonna juggle in your bedroom, hope nothing falls
Gonna juggle your headlights, gonna juggle your dish                                  
Gonna juggle anything and everything I wish
ĎCause I am, everybody knows I am
Iím your juggle man, oh yeah, everybody knows I am


Iíll juggle your schedule, Iíll juggle your books
If I juggle your kitten please donít give me looks
I can juggle all day, I can juggle all night long
I can juggle anything I get my hands on
ĎCause I am, everybody knows I am
Iím your juggle man, oh yeah, everybody knows I am


Gonna juggle your sneakers, gonna juggle your dress
I could juggle your eggs but that could be a mess
Gonna juggle your wig hat gonna juggle your shoe
If you mess with me babe, I just might juggle you
ĎCause I am, everybody knows I am
Iím your juggle man, oh yeah, everybody knows I am


Repeat 1st verse


Side By Side (Parody) (Original by Nick Lucas)


Oh, our honeymoon wasnít all honey
I got more than I paid for my money
We went up to our room
A bride and a groom
Side By Side


We got ready for bed then
I nearly dropped dead when
Her teeth and her hair
She placed on a chair
Side By Side


Imagine my amazement
When a glass eye rolled off on the floor
An arm and a leg she took off and
Placed on the chair by the door


I was feeling downhearted
Seems my sweatheart had parted
So I slept on the chair
There was more of her there
Side By Side


I'll Never Tell - © Daniel Jeffery

Inside I'm still a young man, I feel about twenty one
I still stay out late at night, I like to have my fun
But sometimes people ask me when I come off the stage
They say, "Barnaby how old are you?" They want to know my age
:Well you can ask and you can wonder, you can guess my weight as well
But if you think i'm gonna tell you, well, I'LL NEVER TELL:
I'LL NEVER TELL, I'LL NEVER TELL
If you think I'm gonna tell you well I'LL NEVER TELL


I still like the ladies, yeah, I still like the girls
I still wear my blue jeans faded, I still wear my hair in curls
But sometimes people come to me a-waggin' their old tongue
They go, "Barnaby now act your age, you know you ain't that young."
:Well you can tie me up, I'd like that, you can twist my wrist as well
But if you think I'm gonna tell you, well, I'LL NEVER TELL:
I'LL NEVER TELL, I'LL NEVER TELL
If you think I'm gonna tell you well I'LL NEVER TELL


The other night I was in a bar and I ordered up a beer
The waitress asked for my ID, I said, "Honey you're a dear,
But let me tell you one thing, and you can bet it's true
I've been around the block and back a few more times than you
:And you can kick me out, you can call the cops, you can cut me off as well
But if you think I'm gonna tell you, well, I'LL NEVER TELL:
:I'LL NEVER TELL, I'LL NEVER TELL
If you think I'm gonna tell you well I'LL NEVER TELL:


Iím Losing My Hair Over You © Daniel Jeffery

Iím losing my patience, Iím losing my youth
Iím losing my pride and Iím losing my couth 
Iím losing my mind, but oh the thing that I canít bear
Is now Iím losing my hair over you.


Iím losing my timing, Iím losing my cool
Iím losing control and Iím starting to drool
Iím losing my grip, I think I lost more than my share
And now Iím losing my hair over you.


(Chorus)
Iím losing my hair over you
And thatís one thing that I donít care to do
It isnít fair, and now I swear that we are through         
ĎCause I refuse to lose my hair over you.


Iím losing direction, Iím losing my place
Iím losing my way and Iím even losing face
Iím losing my touch and Iím losing my flair
And now Iím losing my hair over you.


(Chorus)                                             


I Don't Know (and I don't care) - © Daniel Jeffery

Don't ask me how the world goes round 'cause I don't know
Don't ask me where the truth is found 'cause I don't know
Don't ask me where my money went
Don't ask me who should be the President
Don't ask me what Bob Dylan meant 'cause
I don't know


I don't know and I don't care
I'm just sitting here in my easy chair
Watching TV in my underwear
I don't know and I don't care


Don't ask me where to place your bet 'cause I don't know
Don't ask me how to use the Internet 'cause I don't know
Don't ask me who the Pope should be
Don't ask me about society
Don't ask about ignorance and apathy 'cause
I don't know


(Chorus)


Don't ask me how Armeggedon ends 'cause I don't know
Don't ask me if you should wear Depends 'cause I don't know
Don't ask me who'll win the Superbowl
Don't ask me how to save your soul
Don't ask me for whom the bells will toll 'cause
I don't know


(Chorus)


Ballad of the Romantic Poets © Daniel Jeffery

Well, Byron, Shelley, Coleridge, Keats, and Wordsworth
Were tripping down by Tintern Abbey one day
Wordsworth turned to the others and said, ďHey boys!
Would you like to hear some lines I wrote today?Ē
Well, they just rolled their eyes and said, ďOkay;Ē


And he said, ďSomewhere in your life youíre gonna find your moment
And deep inside that moment eternity flows
And just between eternity and your existence
You can see the distance you are bound to go.
You can see the distance you are bound to go.Ē


Well Coleridge turned to Keats, and Keats to Shelley
And Shelley turned to Byron who scratched his head
And he said, ďWilliam, yes it does sound quite Romantic,
But we just donít quite understand what it was you said.
Would you kindly once repeat what it was you said?Ē (he said ďgladlyĒ)


(Repeat chorus) 

Rap: When I was in college studying English literature
I had to read the romantic poets,
such poems as Ode to a Grecian Urn
and Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner,
which I found to be not only really boring but also totally incomprehensible.
Then I discovered that most of the Romantic poets \
were totally stoned on opium when they wrote that stuff.
And so when I read them in the same frame of mind,
for the sake of research, I understood them perfectly.


So, Coleridge reached in his pouch and grabbed his opium
And he passed it down to Keats and to Shelley too
Then in a moment of incredible revelation
They said, ďBill, I do believe we follow you.Ē
And they all joined in and they sang his song clear through.  (They sang. . .)


(Repeat chorus)


Moline, IL ©  Daniel Jeffery


Today Iím leaving for London
And then Iím heading to Rome
Cruising on to St. Tropez,
But I canít wait to get home


Iíve been to Sydney and Brisbane
Iíve been to Anchorage and Nome
Iíve been to Shanghai and Bangkok
But thereís no place like home


There ainít no place like Moline, Illinois
Itís the farm implement capital of the world and itís really a joy
You ought to check out Moline, Illinois Itís the place to be
But if you come to visit Moline Donít bother calling me


ĎCause Iíll be flying to Hong Kong,
From there Iím not really sure
Could be Cairo, Copenhagen,
or Kuala Lumpur


Well London had Shakespeare,
But Moline had John Deere
Van Gogh painted in Paris
But thereís stuff to paint here


Chorus


1st Verse


Sheís Just About Perfect ©   Daniel Jeffery

She can paint like Picasso, she can play like Chopin
She can talk like a cowboy, she can drink like a man
Sheís graceful, sheís witty, sheís pretty, sheís kind
Sheís got a beautiful body and a wonderful mind
Sheís got a beautiful body and a wonderful mind


She understands Nietche, she can talk about math
She can analyze football or Sylvia Plath
She can talk on your level, or over your head
And according to her, sheís fantastic in bed
And according to her, sheís fantastic in bed


She can cook, she can dance, she can sew, she can sing
Iím beginning to think she can do anything
Sheís a talented woman, with a modern day life
Sheís just about perfect and Iím glad sheís my wife
Sheís just about perfect and Iím glad sheís my wife
Sheís just about perfect and Iím glad sheís my wife


Song To Bob Dylan ©  Daniel Jeffery

I'm out here 1200 miles from my home
Seeing the world you and others have known
And I see what you mean 'bout the land and the times
The trouble, the tension, the rhetoric, and rhymes


Hey, Bob Dylan I wrote you a tune
'Bout a restless new world that's been to the moon
It seems that's it's achinĎ, forsaken, and sore
A world that's becoming your master of war


Here's to Woody, and Jack, Joan Baez, and the Band
And all the good people who lent you a hand
And here's to the voices both gentle and tough
We can sing out your songs, but not loud enough


From Hibbing to here you have carried your load
You traveled your way down that long, lonesome road
You burned all those bridges, you buried your dead
And now you have said all there is to be said.


Hey, Bob Dylan I know you've been through
All of the things that I'm singing to you
Through Hell and high water to Heaven and more
And now you are ready to knock on that door


People may say that I don't know a thing
I surely don't know what the future may bring
But there's one thing for certain I know I can say
When I head out of here, I'll be heading your way